Complicated Hope

Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him. Job 13:15

I was a young mom when those words became a challenge: do I trust Him? Do I really, truly trust the Almighty to be God; to be Good; to be Loving?

It seems so far away and yet the memories are as vivid as yesterday. January 27, 1999 was the beginning of a journey of faith I never saw coming. The illness I thought was a stomach virus. A trip to the doctor for anti-nausea medications. My mom coming to stay with us to help – two kids means two battles of vomit.

We didn’t know that by 9:00pm that night, our world would flip topsy-turvy. Vomiting gave way to seizures. The threat of a stomach virus was replaced with the possibility of an infant stroke. Help with children would become caring for our son and covering us in prayer.

It’s been 27 years today.

I look back on the young mom I was and I grieve for her – she could not see all that would be coming her way. She could not imagine the pain and the fear. The hours of driving to doctors and the 19 operations awaiting her child.

But I’m also amazed at her, too. She will cling to Hope. God is good. She will rest in faith. He will not leave me. She will choose to surrender – “I will Trust him.”

My mind can still recall that tiny 6 month old baby girl, clothed only in a diaper with dozens of cables monitoring her brain, her heart, her lungs. My body can feel the hollow emptiness of my arms, unable to cradle her against my heart. Closing my eyes now, I can still see out the intensive care room window and watch my husband cross the street in the dark rain, burdened with pain and fear, heading home to be with our son when he awoke. It is an empty moment of the soul.

Today I let myself visit those emotions. Not for self-pity or to wallow in grief. But to remember where we were. To celebrate where we are now. To give praise to God for His faithless in our darkest days.

That tiny baby girl is now a momma. She cuddles her own little boy. She rests in the arms of her sweet husband and friend. God has never left her. Her entire life is proof that we can Trust Him.

He is Faithful.

Will you Trust Him? Will you continue to choose to Trust your Father no matter what it looks like around you?

Trust doesn’t meant the road will be easy and the path smooth. It means you will not be alone and the destination will make the journey worth it!