Complicated Hope

Wait.    How’d I get here?

In this plane. With this daughter. On this computer. Heading to a conference 1,363 miles from home. Not as an attendee — but as a speaker??!!

In 2004, we visited Durango, Colorado for the first time. Six months later, we made it our home. Two years later, I was helping at a minister’s conference at Rancho Mira Sol where the speaker told me over coffee,  “you keep relegating yourself to the nursery and the kitchen. One day you will be the speaker.”

We raised our two children in Colorado and then moved to Northern Illinois. I forgot about that day at the Ranch until l found myself sitting in the middle seat of crowded plane, trying to type and revamp my talk. For the 10th time.

Space is limited – thank you United airlines for this narrow seat! My elbows are tucked against my ribs. The gentlemen next to me is not so keen on culturally appropriate personal space and his elbow tends to be either lodged in my ribs or draped across elbow.  Funny the things you think of when uncomfortable.

I wonder how to move my arm to subtly force some space.  I ponder how to balance a computer and cup of water.  With every other thought I question:  why me? Why did they ask me to speak? What if I screw up? Lord, what if I totally mess up your message? What if they don’t like me? Or throw paper at me and boo until I sit down?

I know that’s not going to happen – these are gracious ladies. Not “Southern Gracious” with “bless your hearts” but “Mountain Gracious”. More like, “great heart in the message just focus on being more yourself and your delivery.” Mountain people are kind but honest. I like them. I know where I stand.  But I still want to be liked.   I want to hear, “that was really good! God spoke to me through you. Way to knock it out of the park!”

The responsibility of faithfully delivering God’s truth while sharing our story is often immense.

Trust.

At the root of my anxiety is the  fear that God got it wrong.   I’m not the woman for this job.  Somewhere on the way not the conference He will realize that I’m not the best messenger and will cause me to loose my voice.   The fear battles the message on my heart and I am torn.   It is the lesson of learning to exist in the tension between humility and surrender and fear and trust.

The humility that prays “Lord if you can use anything, you can us me.”

The surrender that sighs, “I am letting go of preconceptions to follow you.”

The fear that prays, “You are God and God alone” and I want to represent well.

The trust that sighs, “I am letting go and following you.”

Think I’ll close this computer and sit in the tension and breathe deep His Grace.

In – “You are God.”
                Out – “I can trust you.”