Often it seems to come from nowhere.  A suprise visitor.  I  turn around, and there it is, sitting on my desk, in my chair, leaning against my office doorway;  an univited guest who appears to leave but is merely hiding in the eaves until he can drop in again unaware.

Grief is sometimes a catch in my breathing that chokes in my throat.   It’s a knot in my stomach.  Even an ache in my bones.   A moment that reminds me that something or something is perceived as missing.

Mistakingly we equate grief largely with death.  Death of a parent, spouse, a child or dear one. Yet grieve can come from so many places yet always deals with loss – the loss of a job, the loss of marriage.  Leaving a cherished home or moving across the country, changing churches or schools or jobs – any activity we perceive as loss can produce feelings of grief.

“A Hope deferred makes the heart sick.”  

Proverbs 13:12

Grief is that “hope deferred.”  That which we leave dreamed of, longed for, believed in, trusted, loved is put off, delayed, forsaken or removed.

Yet grief serves a vital purpose!  Grief is the process which takes us from the initial loss to being able to cherish a person, an experience, a season for it’s purpose on in our life.

Cherish?  Really?   

There are days that I grieve that “what should have / could have / would have been” of my daughter’s life.  Would she have been a dancer, something she has always loved? Could she have competed in downhill skiing?  Would she have followed her brother on the soccer field?   Infant stroke took so much from our lives – we lost so many experiences and they were exchanged with frankly, some really painful moments.  If I stay stuck on what I perceive as “should have / could have / would have been” I miss what has been.  The pain has been tremendous, but we  have known such amazing strength in her spirit and we see this giant heart she has for those who hurt both physically, mentally and spiritually.   If we focus on a possible soccer career, we miss the season she did play soccer and was the goalie – showing her tremendous strength as a leader.  If we focus on the loss of innocence from her having to deal with hospitals and pain management and medications, we miss the gift of time and relationship that I have been given with her.

I do not cherish the pain, I cherish what the pain brought me.   I have reframed my thinking.  I take that feeling of “missing”, that hollow empty feeling and focus on what had been there – the person, the joy, the laughter, the good moments despite the bad circumstances.  Then I thank God for that person, place or thing.  I thank him for that Season of rest that brought strength, that Season of trial that brought dependence on Him.

When grief shows his little face, I do not see him as a menacing gremlin forcing me to live painful memories.  Instead I see grief as a gentle reminder to see what I have been blessed with – friends and family and moments that have brought me to a deeper understanding of who I am in Christ.

“My strength and heart my fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

Psalms 73:26

That which pushes us to the cross, which draws us deeper into relationship with Christ is never a waste!  It is never evil!  It is never to be ignored!

“Father, use my grief to draw me closer to you!  When my dreams have faded into dust and I feel so alone, draw me to your side and give me Your vision for my future.  Be my strength and my life.”

What grief in your life has you so focused on the Loss that you cannot Cherish the experience?