Complicated Hope

One of my favorite jobs was working at a Christian bookstore.  Daily I was surrounded by books and more books.  They arrived by the truckload and left in bundles.  New.  Fresh.  Original ideas.  Imaginative titles.  Beautiful covers.  The hopes and dreams of writers of different ages and backgrounds.  Thoughts to challenge me and passages to affirm my convictions.  It was a thing of beauty!

However, one book drew my attention every single day.  It was on an eye-level shelf on the path to the restroom.  “The Beauty of a Disciplined Life: 10 Studies in the Book of Proverbs,” by Rebecca Gates (order here).  The cover was a penciled sketch of an ice skater, graceful and active.  I loved the thought – a disciplined life.

I have always been enraptured with the thought of order.  I like schedules and routines and the safety in knowing what is going to happen and when and how.

The Book of Ezekiel points to a God of Order.  There are actions and consequences;  measurements and directions and in the end, Hope as the Prince returns to make atonement for our sin.  The idea of God liking lists too makes me happy.

Ironically, I never read Gates’ book.  I admired it.  Dreamed of discipline.  Dreamed of Beauty.

As a young mom, I was thrilled that my first child loved order as well.  He loved a scheduled.  Craved sameness and routine.  It made him feel safe.   It was a struggle for me because although I loved Order, I struggled with routine.  My child helped me in that area.

Then came child number 2.  She was pink and precious and had her own agenda.  Not because of her neediness or fussiness, but at 6 months old her stroke meant doctors offices and medications and therapies.  There is nothing like a seizure to throw your day into chaos!

And my son?  He learned to roll with the punches.  Some.  His need for order took on a new skin – instead of sameness every day, he needed a schedule for the next day.  As long as he knew what was going to happen and in what order, he was content to go along for the ride.  But don’t you dare change the order!  If you said breakfast then get dressed then groceries and lunch, don’t you dare try to squeeze in a trip to buy gasoline or postpone groceries to after nap.  “Momma, you said…”was said many time through toddler tears.

Somewhere along the line I equated Discipline with Scheduled.  My kids taught me that disciplined meant taking care of necessary in a timely manner – at least in our household.

Now my Bible study is always scheduled for the morning time and as I grow in Christ, that time becomes more precious and I guard it.

Psalms 63:1, “O God, you are my God.
                          At dawn I search for you.
                          My soul thirsts for you.
                          My body longs for you
                                  in a dry, parched land where there is no water.”

Days started with His Word are dry and long.  But the discipline to search for Him in the morning has brought strength.

The rest of the day?  Well sometimes we just get through it.  There are still school lessons and doctors appointments and meals and a house to clean – and it all gets done but usually in no particular order.  But it is done.  Chronic pain, muscle spasms and medication side-effects have a way of derailing our plans.  Honestly, some days Discipline means we trust God to take care of the details we couldn’t get to in 24-hours.

Yet each night when I fall into bed, my last thoughts are with God.

Because He demands it?

No, because I love Him and I want to be with Him.    I have discovered that Discipline in my life looks different than in yours and even looks different from day to day.

And that Chaotic Discipline has a beauty all it’s own.

Maybe, I’ll go find that book and read it now…

“Lord, thank you for mornings.  For each new day that I can spend time with you.  For the joy you give me that doesn’t depend on what is happening around me but is found in knowing You.”

Scripture

Psalm 90:14 ESV, “Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.”

Psalm 5:3 ESV, “O Lord, in the morning you hear my voice; in the morning I prepare a sacrifice for you and watch.”

Psalm 119:147, “I rise before dawn and cry for help; I wait for Your words.”

Isaiah 26:9, NLT, “All night long I search for you; in the morning I earnestly seek for God.”

Psalm 16:8, “I have set the LORD always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.” 

Isaiah 26:3, “You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You.” 

Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind in Christ Jesus.”